These last two months have been a period of loss for me. On June 1st Tinker disappeared on the farm and to this date (August 8th) we have found no trace of her. I feel such a void in my life which I know is only going to deepen once mom and pop go back to Colorado and I have more solitude. That is when it will really set in that my little buddy is truly gone. Muffin has seemed a little confused to be the only dog in the family now and she asks for a lot more attention.
I know that right after it happened I went into my past coping mode of drinking every night. All my resolutions out the window as I drank and cried and stayed up later at night only to surrender to restless sleep. Sometimes the minute I would open my eyes in the dark that little face would flash before me and I would cry myself back to sleep.
The sun is peeping around the clouds now….I have pulled myself back together and gotten back on track. It is still difficult and I still miss Tinker yet my optimistic nature won’t allow me to wallow in my grief too long. I am on my eighth day of no alcohol once again and feeling good even though I shed some occasional tears. It may be some time before I find another little one to give my heart to…I’m open but not actively looking. I feel something will tell me when the time is right. For now it’s just Muffin and Me……and the cats!
Love you Tinkerbug!
I’ve been struggling of late with my writing…I can’t seem to get myself to journal consistently. That was an easy thing for me back during the days of my relationships because I stayed so angry all the time. Writing was a way to analyze my feelings and discover strengths I never knew that I had. Now that my life is so free of stress I find it difficult to pick up the pen. I do have those fleeting moments though when I see inspiration in something and I want to document it…I guess, in a sense, I will always want to memorialize those flashes of clarity that help life to fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I am hoping that blogging will be an easier way to direct the erratic flow of my feelings and inspirations into a cohesive form. Anyway, here I am, ready to try something new!
I have been in Kentucky since January 2, 2013. Thinking back upon it now, what a leap of faith that was to uproot myself from a job and a city that I had spent eight years of my life in. Have I always been this way? Considering that I married at seventeen and moved from Colorado, family and friends to Virginia at such a tender young age, I suspect so. I have never been afraid to start over. There is almost something mystical about going to a place where no one knows you and you can create fresh, new impressions in the people you meet. It can be scary and life affirming all at the same time.
This has been an interesting time for me, starting a new store, moving and remodeling a house, spending all summer with mom and pop and the various family members and friends who visit the farm. If I were to ask myself what was the primary reason I agreed to do all this it would have to be to spend time with mom. All my adult life (40 + years) I only had brief moments in time to see mom. That separation being a by-product of me living my own life in Virginia.
It seems strange when I look back on that time to realize that during my marriage to John I sometimes went three years or more without seeing anyone in my family. I can only attribute that to having married at such a young age and never having developed the confidence and self esteem that would allow me to make demands of John that meant spending money on something that made me happy. That’s water under the bridge at this point, I make all my own decisions now. I think, though, that this is why I kept a yearning in my heart to spend time with mom beyond the week vacation I had been doing for the past fifteen years or so.
Of course there is also that fabulous opportunity to start a new business in a new town, be my own boss again, make wonderful new friends. I was not sorry to leave Blue Ridge Paint and Decorating/Builders Supply. I was sorry to leave the people there whom I had grown to love and admire. I was not sorry to get away from the back-stabbing and the unethical and immoral behavior of a few that seemed to have a direct affect upon my job. I was quickly moving past the stage where I would be able to market myself to a new company if it came to a point where I couldn’t work for Blue Ridge anymore. Freedom from that stress played a huge part in my decision as well.
All in all, there were many factors that brought me to Kentucky and I have found a particular kind of peace and serenity in the Bluegrass State.
Finding my space, my place to breathe
In living my life I refuse to bleed
To claim sorrow’s tears and the memories of pain
To shackle my soul and tamp down the flame
This life is too short to let roses wither
Before they can reach for the sun
And the morning of tomorrows to come
Where life’s precious gift is the moment I’ve spun.
I let sorrows linger in the shadows behind
While I open my heart and my soul and my mind